Dear Author ...

Elena over at You're Write. Except when you're Rong

has a fun "fill in the form rejection letter" post.

Here is mine filled in blanks in red, of course!):

Dear Author,

I am writing in response to your message in a bottle. While I'm pleased that there a tiny dribble of scotch left in the bottom, I really don't think a one word story has the necessary marketing potential or that "help" is very original.

This is a subjective business, you know, and it's really important to be subjective. Perhaps "Help me"?

While this may seem like a huge favor - teaching you how to write and doubling your word count, please remember I'll get half the royalties after commission.

Oh, and please make sure there's more scotch left in the bottle next time. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Agent.