More irresistible stuff

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Day 1 - 14 October 2010 - It had to be done!

A new start - a new blog. Prompted by a little blog-fest competition hosted by Brenda Drake here *tips hat* I decided to have another go at writing a blog and this first post contains my entry. The object is to "write a new scene or post a scene from your current project that is no more than 500 words, which has a rocking cliffhanger (pun intended). It can be any genre. Just leave us hanging, craving more, and cursing your name for making us want to turn a page that isn't there. Easy peasy, right? Right."
So ... here it is ...

Tori gazed out of the window across the shadowy cityscape as the sun blushed the horizon. The misery of the last forty eight hours had taken its toll on her, leaving her eyes red rimmed and puffy. She had a blanket draped around her shoulders and she cupped a hot chocolate in her hands, its warmth and memories of childhood a small comfort in her distress.

Friday night had been special. Friday night was Jim’s surprise night and this Friday he picked her up from work and took her to see a rom-com, much to her delight, particularly as he seemed to enjoy it more than he was prepared to admit. Afterwards they went for a meal and in the soft glow of candlelight he told her that he loved her. Much later, curled up on the sofa in her flat they started to talk tentatively of a future together. When Jim got up to go, Tori asked him to stay.
“I would sweetheart,” he said, as he kissed her, “but I have to be up early in the morning”
“Oh? What are you up to?” she asked him in mock inquisitorial tones.
He grimaced. “Work.”
Then with a hug and a kiss he was gone.
Tori busied herself all day Saturday and wasn’t too worried when her texts to Jim went unanswered. When she called him in the evening his phone was switched off or was out of battery. There was no reply to his home phone, nothing on Twitter or Facebook. Perhaps he had had to work late? What would have stopped him from contacting her?
Sunday morning there was still no response from either of Jim’s phones. She spoke to a couple of mutual friends but they had not heard from him. As the afternoon wore into evening, Tori battled with a rising sense of panic. No-one had heard from Jim, no-one knew where he was. His blog was untouched, his webmail unread. There was no point phoning hospitals, he could have driven anywhere. She began to imagine him lying in a coma, alone, dying, dead. Sleep was out of the question. Over and over she replayed the special Friday night. They had talked of a future together; oh God, had he run from the commitment? In the dark hours before dawn, she was haunted by thoughts that he had vanished into the arms of another.

Now she stood and watched the sun rise on another week, her heart desolate. She could think of no reason why he would not have contacted her that was not heart-wrenching. Her reverie was interrupted by a knock on the door. She flew to the hall and flung it open to find not Jim, but the mailman. He handed her a brown envelope too thick to go through the mail slot. The writing was unmistakably Jim’s cursive script and she could feel through the envelope a small box, a couple of inches to each side. With trembling fingers she opened it.

Yes I am from the UK, and yes I did have to use a UK-US dictionary in a couple of places. I am sure someone will tell me if I got it wrong! I hope you are impressed that this happens to be exactly 500 words long!


  1. You did a great job making Tori likable in a way that made me want to continue reading! Great cliffhanger too.

    Good luck!


  2. I wish I could see what was in the envelope. You definitely have strong writing and do a good job of characterizing Tori and her slowly building worry.

  3. Nice post. There is an intrigue going on. Good cliffhanger.

  4. What's in the box - Jim's finger as proof he's alive so someone can extort something out of Tori? Oh. Please let that be it. Great cliffhanger here.

    Thanks for the read.


  5. Hi,

    Right from the start Tori is likeable, her vulnerability hangs on the prose and teases forth doubt in a reader's mind that Jim is anything but what she thinks he is. With his disappearance comes sense that he's a two-timing jerk, then the package arrives and I get the feeling it doesn't bode well, possibly not very nice! I'm thinking kidnap now, and I have no idea why . . . ? Whatever, great cliffhanger. ;)


  6. I like Tori. And you really get a feel for her anxiety about Jim. I really, really want to know what's in the box.

    Thanks for sharing :)

  7. Very nice.. It made me anxious.. Great cliffhanger

  8. That is a very nice cliffhanger. The only thing I'd even suggest to change is very minor as for me it would read easier as a "mug of hot chocolate" but it's not absolutely necessary. Everything worked really well, and yes even the "flat" works over here. ;-) Great entry.

  9. Thanks for participating! We've judged your entry. o/\o *high five*

  10. Very nice, you've got a good cliff hanger here.

  11. Good pacing, tension, and intrigue. Terrific cliffhanger. Very believable.

    Michael D.

  12. The more I read, the more concerned I became about Jim! Great build up. I want to know what is in that envelope!! Good cliffhanger!!

  13. Congrats on the new blog! I enjoyed reading this, wonder what's in the box??? :)


  14. Was this something you wrote just for the competition? You chose a perfect place to end the scene/chapter. Of course, we want to know what's become of Jim, to see if our suspicion is concerned. Good luck in the competition and with your new blog.

  15. Yes, Gale, I saw the competition advertised by Brenda and the micro story arc popped into my head!

    Thanks to everyone for your wonderfully supportive comments and good luck to you all too :)

  16. This was well done. I really want to know whats in that envelope! I'd flip the page. you have my attention :)

  17. NICE! Great tension, great hanging point! You certainly pulled me in!

  18. What a perfect day to start a new blog! So,uh, what's in the box? Is there more??? christy

  19. This is VERY exciting and flows really well. Glad you used a proper dictionary too (rather than online stuff that rather deskills us as writers) :O)


Comments make my day. You want to make my day don't you?